Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
