dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize