i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
