It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
