chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
