I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
