everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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