drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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