It was confusing and full of hummus
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
