My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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