My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
