Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
