Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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