you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
