Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
