i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize