I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
