Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
