Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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