How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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