Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
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