Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
