Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
