I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
