I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
