We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
