He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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