she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize