trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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