im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
