i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
