it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
