I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
