I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
