I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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