he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
