Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
