a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize