I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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