as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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