If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
we're so committed to being not committed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
