Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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