we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
