No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
