I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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