I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
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