I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
