just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
