Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
