i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
