Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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