Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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