She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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