Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
