I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
