the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
