Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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