you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
